Depression

[rodox_head]

Thats true. We cant turn away from our mistakes, and who we are. I mean we can, but it will always comeback, and it does. You can do all you want, to run away from yourself, but in the end, you will always find your own reflection in the things that make you forget.

Its hard to admit, that the path we roam, is exactly the path that we have chosen for ourselves. Even if we were hurt and shaped by outside events and circumstances.

...and I'm fearful of the chosen path. The past looks empty, and the future looks bleak. I'd like to think that by feeling guilt over my mistakes that it means I'm inherently a good person deep down, but afraid that if I start to forgive myself, I risk repeating those same mistakes. If who we are is only to be judged and created by others, what's the use of forgiving oneself.

Right now the only thing keeping me form taking the last train to Clarksville is seeing the opossums that stop by at work.

[cabal rose tv]

I think i understand you, as i've had this feeling for years, and it still pops up once in a while.
Its a deep problem, im not saying its easy to overcome, as it takes time, and quite a lot of work, but its worth it. Things i have realized about this, are that we are so afraid of making mistakes, and being hurt, that we would much rather not do anything, than risk making a mistake again, but that in itself is the biggest mistake we can make, by giving up on ourselves. There is no paradise, no ultimate happiness im afraid, but there might as well be hell, that we create for ourselves when we put all that matters into a self destructive process, because by doing nothing, we are actually doing a hell of a lot. We let all of our previous mistakes happen over, and over again.

Taking small steps in the direction of going out of our comfort zone, whatever it might be, is actually preparing us for taking much bigger steps, and belive me, because of what has happened to me in the past, i rarely see the steps i take, cause im still afraid i will fall into the same hellish pit i've been in before, so i rarely feel any pleasure related to what i have "achived". So there is no easy way, no short cuts. Dont belive any gurus, or saviours, cause its all in your hands. Dont be afraid to make mistakes, but learn from them. And repeat this process, over and over again, cause its the only way to make progress. If there was no frustration, there would be no need to do anything. Because there is frustration, you feel uneasy about the situation you're in, cause you know there is something better waiting for you, and the pain that is associated with it, is actually the healing process, cause your body is telling you to do something, as you are suffering immensly. The body is intelligent, and it will do things for you, if you allow yourself to go along with what it is telling you. You dont have to use your mind to dictate how it should behave, but if you stop limiting yourself, it will do things automatically for you, it just takes time.

[rodox_head]

Right now the only thing keeping me form taking the last train to Clarksville is seeing the opossums that stop by at work.

Nevermind, according to my coworker it's both frowned upon and stupid to look after them. I had to hold back from crying as the setup I had for them to get food and water (I should emphasize that we're still getting 90-100 degrees F here) was angrily thrown out and the little critters were nabbed and placed into a trash can to be released into the nearby field while they were literally shitting themselves in fear.

Should I have been feeding wildlife? Probably not, but they were the only thing that I felt I could genuinely care about and look after, like I actually had a heart, like I could actually act like the mother I always wanted to be. They'll come back for the cats' food, they remember where food sources are, but I just feel empty right now.

but I'm sure most of you don't really care. You'll just see that RH is posting in the depression thread again like the pathetic lowlife it is and move on to the next thread.

[Orbited insanitarium]

Nevermind, according to my coworker it's both frowned upon and stupid to look after them. I had to hold back from crying as the setup I had for them to get food and water (I should emphasize that we're still getting 90-100 degrees F here) was angrily thrown out and the little critters were nabbed and placed into a trash can to be released into the nearby field while they were literally shitting themselves in fear.

Oh fuck that. It's literally animal cruelty to throw them in the trash like that. At least you were noticing them and they felt safe in their visitations before this. Your coworker is a complete prude for rules and regulations (I doubt there will be ANY mention in a screwed up rulebook about opposums) so what is the point in saying it's "frowned upon"??? Should it be frowned upon to CARE?
Rodox you were finding a precious thing in your day to look forward to, I'm disgusted at the disregard that was shown to you, it's not stupid, you're not stupid, it's a selfless thing you did. (Your coworker sounds like an absolute cvnt to be frank.)

Should I have been feeding wildlife? Probably not, but they were the only thing that I felt I could genuinely care about and look after, like I actually had a heart, like I could actually act like the mother I always wanted to be. They'll come back for the cats' food, they remember where food sources are, but I just feel empty right now.

Gutted. I can understand how you feel so close to them. Why take away an inch of someone's happiness?

but I'm sure most of you don't really care. You'll just see that RH is posting in the depression thread again like the pathetic lowlife it is and move on to the next thread.

I'm starting to see that, I keep holding back from replying every so often because I hope others will have the idea to respond to you and dissipate the feelings that no-one is listening but it rarely happens. For the few that come to this subforum and read it, where's your empathy sometimes?
You are not lowlife in any fashion I see. I always listen to you and I realize that I need to be here for you. More recently it struck me whom I'm neglecting. I'm going to do more with the keeping company side of our dynamic, I admit I have been slacking HEAVILY.

[Jonse]

That's certainly not stupid. I don't know what policy your co-worker is trying to abide by, or anything regarding your work, but don't let yourself think for a moment that it's stupid. You're trying to do something good for animals in need.

What's stupid is yours co-workers dismissal of your feelings. I've been in that position at a low and there's something that gives me some meaning, that feels important. It's an important thing to have. I don't know how much your co-worker knows of how you're feeling but if they do, it's completely out of order to further emotionally deprive you of that just because they don't think it's important. It's possible to do what's regulation and whatnot without being a prick about it, and I can't imagine what's going on where the right thing to do would be "put them in a trash can," so that's fucked too.

[rodox_head]

Thanks for the kind words. I wasn't the only one who thought she was out of line. It's totally a "rules for thee, not for me" deal because we all just have to accept the cats that live there that she will always boss others around who want to offer care for them. It started with one, then two, now it's four. One has had a habit of trying to get into the store and I had to chase it out for its own safety, to which she responded with a "don't worry, they're smart and will find their way out". First off, they are too light to activate the motion sensor doors, and second, I don't want them to take a blind turn into a piece of moving machinery! And I'm the bad guy! Also it's an open secret that they shit and piss in the plants we sell, but I'm the bad guy for finding a way to keep opossums from shitting behind the shelves. "But what if they bite someone!? Then we're fucked!" If You get an opossum to bite you then you deserved it since they're pacifist creatures. However I can totally see a stranger going to pick up a cat and getting swiped at, In fact it did happen to a coworker. I've even swen customers have to pull their dogs from chasing them.

I love cats, would never wish harm upon, or reject affection from a cat, but I have personal insecurities when it comes to them due to how much preferential treatment they get.

[NorthSaturnian]

Girlfriend cheated on me. devastated.

[Orbited insanitarium]

Girlfriend cheated on me. devastated.

Oh shit, a breakup is never easy lad, hope you get through it.

[NorthSaturnian]

Girlfriend cheated on me. devastated.

Oh shit, a breakup is never easy lad, hope you get through it.

thanks mate

[bungler666]

I'm finally trying to stand up for myself a bit more.
Don't know why I haven't until now, guess it's easier to just let things stay the way they are.
But I'm really not down with the self-hating stuff anymore, enough is enough I say.

[rodox_head]

I feel like I've said this somewhere before, but I'm starting to really settle into the thought that a new BoC release will be the ultimate sign from the cosmos or whatever that my life has finally run its course.